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Nit en blanc i rituals d’ esperança…

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He passat la nit en blanc. He anat al llit esgotat i decebut amb mi mateix. No m’ha servit de res llegir les aventures de Rocco Schiavonne. M’adormia, i al cap de l’estona, tornava a despertar. No em deixava dormir el cor, estic trist i contrariat amb mi mateix per fer tot el contrari del que voldria, per fer mal a qui estimo. Tornava a llegir, tornava a dormir i al cap d’una estona era el desig el que em despertava, el meu cos esgotat que cridava, que em deia; tu ets imbècil, xaval. I així no se quantes vegades. Com si amb un comandament a distancia anés rebent electroshocks, merescuts. He estat com absent la resta del dia, i he fet en contrari d’allò que diu la intel·ligència emocional que havia de fer. No soc capaç de seguir cap estratègia. Em sento perdut i necessito reaccionar. Hi ha coses a les que no puc aplicar sang freda, no se si per be o per mal. No soc de pedra, però tampoc tan idiota com per no saber què seria raonable. I en aquest debat consumeixo les hores, que passen lentes, molt lentes. Em manté dempeus l’esperança, i el puto optimisme malaltís. M’alimento de fum i de cafe i de paraules que necessito escriure per exorcisar ànima i cor. Necessito soledat i intentar arribar a un bon acord amb mi mateix. Aquest és el jo que menys m’agrada, el que no ensenyo, el que sent i el que es maldiu. Abans ni sentia ni m’odiava. Abans estava mort. I encara que a vegades els dies siguin difícils. No els canvio per res del món… I avui és lluna plena…

Adele. Someone like you

I heard that you’re settled down
That you found a girl and you’re married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I’ll remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I’d hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you two
Don’t forget me, I beg, I remember you said Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don’t forget me, I beg
I’ll remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I’ll remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”